God's Handiwork, Not My Own: by Jesse McMillan

I guess it’s my turn to blog, which is quite frankly something I was hoping to put off for as long as possible. I very rarely enjoy being at the center of attention, and the idea of attempting to write something profound for others to see and read makes me anxious. I feel the question I am asking the Lord in my heart is, ‘what do I have to say? What can I offer?’ Comparison is the thief of joy, as the saying goes, which ironically is what I subconsciously do 24/7, and here I sit dwelling on how much better or worse I’m going to be as a Fellow, friend, Christian, youth leader, than other people are. Especially now during a time where I feel I’m struggling to keep up, it just doesn’t seem as though there’s enough time to meet, let alone surpass, every expectation or every goal I set for myself. Now as I self-reflect on my time here and how much I’ve learned; I start to wonder, why is my foremost goal simply ‘don’t fail no matter what’?

This is something I have had a habit of doing for quite awhile now. I can remember every semester of college I would start out wanting to get ahead and stay on top of things, yet soon enough it would feel like I was just trying to catch my breath and/or catch up. I fully believe God has a purpose for everyone right where they are, and for me while I am here, I yearn to understand what my purpose is. But I usually feel as though I am just surviving instead of thriving. 

Why is it that we can be so much more motivated by fear rather than by hope? Why does so much of my hard work stem from my desire to not let anyone down or to be a disappointment? Why do I try not to be the worst at what I’m doing, to be better than another person, rather than something healthier or an honest desire to serve? In times like this I like to dwell on some of my favorite stories recorded in scripture, Moses, David, Gideon, those who were called upon and often thought ‘Why me Lord? What do I have to offer?’ As old a lesson as this is for me, the message is still on a path from my head to my heart. Every time I find myself saying this same thing, I know what the Lord’s answer is, ‘It’s not about what you can do Jesse, that’s the point.’ Paul tells us that the Lord’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. In our inability to be perfect, in able to do the best job we can at everything we can, it is so important to press into Jesus and admit our shortcomings. It’s such a beautiful and heartwarming relief to know that Jesus gives us the grace to fail, He never expects perfection from us.

I believe it’s very important for Christians to recognize how God’s grace covers all, and by that, I mean He doesn’t choose favorite sons and daughters based upon their performance. I was never quite a ‘victim’ of trying very hard to impress my parents more than a sibling, since we had a large age gap. I was more so the ‘baby’ of the family, so striving to impress at home wasn’t something I dealt with. Yet ironically enough when I look around at my Christian brothers and sisters I yearn to be on top, to be impressive, strong, smart, and acknowledged for these things. There’s a selfish desire in my heart, wanting to get the Father’s attention, wanting to make him love me more by performing better, yet this is not what it’s about. The reality is all I have, anything noteworthy or of value or worth recognition, is all a blessing the Lord has given to me. There is no way I can ‘impress’ God because there’s nothing I can offer up that he doesn’t already have. My striving for acceptance is needless, as He has already accepted me. During these times, I fall to my knees and earnestly pray, pleading with the Lord to help me remove this pressure I put on myself; these ridiculous standards and goals I set as I desperately cling for acceptance and validation.

At the same time, I am also experiencing much gratitude for this time in my life, which is my focus to dwell on. I’m getting the chance to explore more career options, practice finding new community, as well as engage in deeper theology studies and discussion than I have done previously. The path to becoming a self-sustaining adult, as well as finding firm roots in your beliefs, is a long hard road. I have the chance to hear different perspectives and dive deeper in church views and doctrine, while I still have the chance to maintain my own positions instead of having new ideas forced upon me. I am especially appreciative of this, considering my difficulty trusting any kind of Christian communities or churches, and I am learning how to extend grace, understanding that there is no perfect Christian community. There is no perfect church; we are all sinners in need of Jesus. I suppose for those reading this it is my hope you would give yourself grace, as I am trying to do for myself. It’s common to think we may not measure up or be enough, ‘you should be better’ is the lie that is often whispered in my ear. God wants us just the way we are right now, and yes, we have things to improve upon but that’s the reality of redemption, Jesus will make all things right, and we get to work with him on that right now. Our perfection is already guaranteed, as we are His handiwork.