Have Mercy on My Shame by Carter Boone
Thanksgiving has come and past. Our bellies are full of turkey and honestly a few too many carbs. We are officially in the season of Advent. Christmas lights are being strung, trees are being decorated and Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe” is being added to every holiday playlist on Spotify as we speak. I’m on my plane ride back to Nashville after seeing my family, and there are several different thoughts running through my mind.
I’m so incredibly thankful for my family, the other Fellows, my church, and everything God has provided. Nashville is such an incredible city, and I have found a community that it is so loving. This year has flown by with so many good memories and so much growth internally. I have been blessed with so much. So why do I have trouble putting that into words? Why am I having trouble telling people about my faith? Why has it been difficult for me to express my emotions? It’s because I feel ashamed.
To delve deeper, shame has been a struggle in my life for years. Shame about my sins, never feeling like I’m good enough, always comparing myself to others, and never matching up to my standards. Like an ill treated virus, my shame constantly comes back into my life when I think I’ve ridden myself of it. I first experienced shame in high school, as any high schooler does whether it is in the field of academics, sports or even social lives. Shame hit me like a brick wall and has continued to pop up throughout college and beyond.
So why am I feeling shame around the holidays? The holiday season is usually seen as the time where our faith is turned up to 11. It is the season of giving thanks, of telling loved ones how much they mean, and the season of our Lord's birth. Yet I’m stuck here, feeling shame, this sticky, unhealthy relationship with sin that tells me what I’m guilty of and says I am not worthy. I am stuck feeling numb to the holiday because I feel like I am not good enough.
I’ve noticed that in myself and in other Christians we often shame ourselves too much. We look at our lives and we see complacency and we hate it. We want to be the best version of ourselves and we fall short. We are harsh on ourselves and even tell ourselves that we are not worthy of grace. That is where our minds are distorted and where evil spreads. When this evil arrives, we run towards it rather than running towards God.
This feeling of shame leads us to act numb towards our loved ones. It pulls us away from God and deeper into our own egos. We get caught in this cycle of shame that seems impossible to break out of, almost never ending.
So why am I writing about shame during the holiday season? To bring it to the light. It’s okay to admit that you feel shame. God wants us to admit our shame because he sees through it and loves us regardless. For the longest time I refused to admit the shame that I felt because I told myself, “No one will understand. Everyone will just shrug me off and say to cheer up.”
Shame harshly affects our faith to the point where we feel so distant from Christ that he doesn’t even notice us. Shame is buying into the lie that God doesn’t love us. When in fact, when we feel shame, Christ sees it. It’s as if we are whipping ourselves in the back and Christ is holding our arm telling us to stop. He is telling us to stop because what we are shaming ourselves for has already been covered by Him on the Cross. When we shame ourselves, we make the Cross smaller and smaller. The shameful are the ones that Jesus is seeking out. Jesus interrupts the cycle of shame and redeems us.
Psalm 34:4-5 says “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” This is heartwarming and gives me hope every day. When we seek God and look to him, he takes our shame upon his shoulders for us.
For those who know me, they know I love music and the messages that music has for its listeners. While writing this and thinking about shame and considering the ways that Jesus redeems us from our sins, I can only think of the lyrics to “Jesus Paid it All.”
And I hear the savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all
'Cause Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone
'Cause Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
These lyrics are so beautiful and hold so much truth. Our strength is small and sin left a stain on us, but Jesus loved us and entered into our lives to wash away our sin and our shame.
As the season of Advent continues, I pray that we may all enjoy the company of our friends and family. Christmas is a beautiful time for us to remember the birth of Jesus Christ and to recenter our faith around him. When others may feel shame, as if you are stuck and that you are not worthy, take time to reflect on this holiday, for it is the birth of our Lord who has saved us from that shame we feel and replaces it with mercy.
