Affirmations Over the Fellows: by Kacey Beckham
Two things I have heard repeatedly through out this year from Fellows alumni and the Fellows community are: the closing retreat is phenomenal, and this Fellows class is special. I completely agree that this Fellows class is special and since we may not get the opportunity, as our year is coming to a close with some uncertainty, I thought I would share with the Fellows community how awesome this class is and affirm each of my fellow Fellows.
There are two sides to Lena Hooker. She has one of the most gentle spirits I have ever known and will encourage and celebrate you to no end. But when Lena wants to say something she is BOLD. So bold she wore a prom dress to our opening dinner. She is direct and strong, especially with her Christ Pres boys (Ben and Carter). Very few people can beautifully display the gentleness and boldness of Jesus the way Lena does. She is a light in the darkness.
Will Baldwin brought a New Englander perspective and humor to our group and we were so much better for it. He values truth and insight, and takes things seriously, especially his youth group kids. He asks great questions in class, which often made me think deeper about the topic we were discussing. He has also made us laugh uncontrollably on multiple occasions, kept Hattie B's in business, and rocks Crocs. God is his Lighthouse!
On page 183 of Jesus Outside the Lines, the author Scott Sauls gives a description of the humble friend anyone would want to have, and when I read it I immediately thought of Anna Berrettini. She listens so well and makes people feel safe to be themselves. She gets along with just about anyone and is the best road trip buddy. She points me back to Jesus while keeping me laughing. It is a gift to be her friend!
No other Fellow was as dedicated to her job as Tori Regan. She worked directly with refugees during her job at Siloam Health and it has been so cool to watch the Lord grow her love and compassion for that population. She is going to do amazing at Vanderbilt next year and will be a phenomenal Mental Health Nurse Practitioner. She has such a heart for people in need!
One time I had Carter Boone over to work on a skit for a youth retreat, and the next day all of my host kids were asking when Carter was coming back over. He is charming, kind, and makes everyone of all ages feel like a friend. His love and passion for music makes me want to be passionate about what I love. I would not have wanted to wear a onesie in front of hundreds of high schoolers or give legendary speeches with anyone else.
If we were going to war and someone said grab a buddy I would pick Jesse McMillan. He is a protector by nature and has a desire to see evil defeated. His heart for men to embrace biblical masculinity is so awesome, and I hope the Lord gives him more opportunities to encourage younger guys in their walks with Christ. Also his knowledge of The Office is unparalleled, and he never fails to remind me how funny that show was.
I truly have not met anyone who exhibits the joy of the Lord like Sabrina Florey. She thanks God for His gifts and is always ready to embrace the life He has given her. She loves life and can see the good in it effortlessly, yet is ready to be vulnerable and listen as well. Whatever Sabrina touches becomes more fun, including our group. I'm so thankful for the life she brought to it!
Ben Ertel almost made me pee myself laughing in a McDonalds one time, but that's not a new dynamic. Ben has made everyone laugh until their sides hurt. But when I think of Ben I think of the insight and knowledge he brings to our group. He is thoughtful, so when he speaks I listen because I know his opinions have been thought out and weighed. Ben is always thinking of others before himself. He is the best person to enjoy a Cook Out tray or McNuggets with.
Rachel Sanders goes along with 90% of my crazy ideas, and I'm so thankful she does because she makes things more fun. Whether we are on the treadmill at the gym, getting pizza with our job liaisons, or driving back to Nashville from Thanksgiving, Rachel is so easy to spend time with. She also has such a great sense of right and wrong and if you ever want clarity on something bring it to Rachel. She is wise, intelligent, and speaks the truth in love.
I have had the opportunity all year to worship next to Ethan Trull at West End Community Church and be apart of worship nights he has led. When Ethan worships the Holy Spirit moves! He is musically talented and also incredibly intelligent and humble and knows his Bible so well. I have always said Ethan is low-ke, the funniest guy Fellow, and I 100% standby that. He's helped me worship and laugh and those are two of the greatest gifts a friend can give you.
One of the best things I got to do this year was watch Cat Hair grow more in the knowledge of how much Jesus loves her. She will tell you her favorite complement to hear is that she is pretty and funny, which she is, but she is also kind, giving, smart and honest. I know I can go to her with my pain and brokenness and she will love me and accept me right where I am and point me back to truth. It's so joyful to do life with Cat.
When Andy Harrison speaks, people listen. He is a natural leader and people follow him into battle. Including us, when he was our team captain at the ultimate frisbee tournament at the Micah 6:8 retreat when we took down the Knoxville Fellows in overtime. His honesty about his weaknesses is refreshing and makes the grace of Christ look more attractive. The Lord has used some things he has said multiple times this year to challenge and convict me. I'm so thankful for the wisdom and honesty he brought to our group.
This truly is such a special Fellows class, one that has endured a lot of the unexpected, but the Lord has been and will continue to be faithful to us. I pray He will continue to make us oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified (Isaiah 61:3). Now please pray for us to find jobs!
Thoughts from Earlier in the Year:
I wrote this a few months ago but thought it might be refreshing to hear about something that is not COVID 19 related:
A few months ago we had a group dynamics retreat where we learned more about our personalities through the lens of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator and the Enneagram. We had a follow up discussion about the Enneagram at a leadership lunch a few weeks later where we all had a chance to talk about our communication styles from the perspective of our Enneagram numbers. I am an Enneagram junkie so this was super exciting for me. I am a two on the Enneagram, which essentially means that my worth comes from how useful I am and my need to be needed. It is a struggle because I don't always feel or think I am wanted (anyone want to trade numbers?). As I was talking about how I really try to ask people questions and am always looking for favors I can do for people, our speaker said "it's like you are trying to earn your spot at the table." Ouch. It struck a chord. Yes, that’s exactly how I feel most days.
Truthfully I have been trying to earn my spot at the table in every aspect of the Fellows program out of fear that if I showed up just as I am, it wouldn't be enough, or maybe it would be for a moment and then I would make a mistake and my seat would be gone. I try to earn a spot at my friend's tables by trying not to seem too needy or too much or too little. I always want to say the right thing, not appearing to be selfish in anyway. I try to be fun enough for my host family’s kids and intentional enough with my host parents. At work I live in a lot of fear I will make a mistake that I can't recover from. In youth group I am always trying to be funny enough and relatable enough for high schoolers to want to open up to me and try to be as cool as the D-group leader standing next to me. In class I want to ask intelligent questions, but don’t want to talk too much. I don't think anyone is putting this pressure on me externally, but internally I am constantly struggling to be enough. I am trying to earn a spot at many, many tables and it is exhausting.
Right before Thanksgiving, I found myself asking the Lord to help me in this battle of shame, insecurity, and striving. I was driving in the car when the Lord reminded me of one of my very favorite stories in the Bible. It's a random one but it is a passage that brings me to tears every time I read it. It's a random story I had never heard before until my RUF intern brought it up to me in college. It is truly such a special passage. The story is from 2 Samuel 9, which tells of David’s interaction with Jonathan's son Mephibosheth. David and Jonathan were dear friends and when Jonathan passed away David wanted "to show kindness for Jonathan's sake" to someone in his household. When David asks Jonathan's servant Ziba who is left from his house she tells him "There is still a son of Jonathan; he is lame in both feet.” David summons Mephibosheth, the son, into his palace and tells him that he will restore to him everything that was his father's and that he will always have a spot at the king's table. His response has always been so interesting to me. Mephibosheth says “What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?" but David proceeds to give him servants, land, and a spot at the table because of who his father is.
This story reminds me that because who my Father is, I am always welcomed at the King's table. Mephibosheth brought nothing to the table. The culture said he was weak. He was crippled. But for no merit of his own, only because of who his father was, he ate at the table of the king. I relate so much to Mephibosheth, I am weak. I am often pointing out all the reasons why I am not worthy or not enough to come to the king's table, forgetting the only credential I need is not based on me at all. We have a kind and generous God who calls himself our Father and because of what Jesus did for us on the cross we are adopted into His family. He sees me as beautiful, worthy, and righteous. He is my Abba Father and because of who my father is I will always have a spot at the table. This frees me from trying to earn a spot at everyone else's. I am already completely accepted in the beloved. He is enough. My worth and my identity are found in who my Father is, not in anything I bring to the table.
