The Loving Embrace That Calls Me Home: by DeLacy Louise Rowland

Have you ever felt very alone while simultaneously being surrounded by so many people?

I would argue that this is a fairly normal feeling for many people, but they either don’t know how to explain the feeling or they choose not to. Let me unpack my thought process here:

Problem 1. Not being able to explain the feeling creates issues with alleviating the feeling because you don’t know what you are feeling. Problem 2. Not talking about the feeling creates a darkness that tells you that you are actually alone, when in fact, we are never alone.

This feeling is especially disruptive for me and has been something I have fought more during the past year than ever before. I couldn’t explain it until recently, with the worst part being that I have never said much until now. I have allowed myself to wallow in loneliness, but before I get into this I want to preface that no one person or my entire community has made me feel this way, in cliché break-up terms: it’s not you, it’s me. 

You see, I am a solid (and I mean rock solid) enneagram type 2. For those who don’t know what that means here is a simple description:

“Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs.” -The Enneagram Institute 

Okay, so now you are probably asking “what does that have to do with anything?” and I get it, but let me tell you.. 

It means that even though I know I need to tell someone about my loneliness or any other feeling, I repress my thoughts and feelings. This seems crazy because most people who know me would tell you I am a bubbly open book. But in reality, I am probably sitting there agonizing over things most people have no clue about. I find myself saying that “I am going to bother other people with the true problem”, that “my hurt isn’t worth it”, and that “maybe I am just not worth it”. 

I think there is a negative stereotype surrounding this topic, being that when you have community you should never feel lonely, which is not always true. For some, there is more of an instantaneous relief found in community, but there isn’t always this “cancelling-out loneliness effect” for everyone. I am victim to this. I am surrounded by such an intentional community in and out of Nashville, I mean they are the best team I could ever ask for and they would walk with me through the thickest of thick, but having this does not always take away the hurt in my heart. It doesn’t always make me feel less lonely. Being totally honest, sometimes it makes it more difficult because I then internalize why I feel the way I feel (lonely) and believe lies about myself even though so many people do love me. I hit the dreaded downward spiral. I try to take care of it myself so I don’t bother people, but then I get frustrated when I don’t feel heard and can’t bring myself to express my needs. It is a wild roller coaster that I don’t feel like I can stop. I spend so much time trying to get the ride to end and it causes me to forget the simple truth:

No person, not even the best of the best, can ever care for me more than my God in heaven.

During this Lenten season, I have been trying to practice bringing everything, and I mean everything before God. I want to feel the freedom of taking all I have before God, like a child brings the simplest (and sometimes silliest) things to him. 

I am learning to lay it all down and to trust Him. But it is not always a quick fix.

Do I still feel that aggravating invisible feeling sometimes? 

Yes.

But here is the thing… 

The God of all things, the transcendent, all-powerful, immanent, and loving God, who made each and every one of us with a unique purpose, He always sees me. He knows the hairs on my head, and He has already searched my heart. He tells me he wants my heart and that I am worthy. He sees and knows my pain, my hurts, my joys, my loves, and He even knows my loneliness. He just wants me to invite Him in to it. 

How simple is that? 

I just have to invite Him in and accept His loving embrace. 

The loving embrace that calls me by name.

The loving embrace that knows my heart.

The loving embrace that sent his son for me.

The loving embrace that calls me out of darkness.

The loving embrace that continuously calls me home.

He is my loving embrace, and I am practicing the art of letting myself be expressive and feel embraced. 

Lord, I ask that you help me learn to invite you into all the things I feel in my heart and all things soaring through my mind. Help me to find persistence in this continuous practice and forgive me when I fail. Let your light shine through the people around me so that I can cast out the lies I tell myself and feel known by you. You never leave me, and I am never alone with you. I ask for you to meet me in this trial I am facing. You are my loving embrace, Lord. You are my forever, Amen.

“Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise of the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say ‘surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.” -Psalm 139:7-12