A Year of Fear: by Robbie Moore

I opened my eyes, looked down, and stood paralyzed in terror. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry. I wanted to do anything to get my mind off of where I was standing. Of course, such a strong reaction was perfectly justifiable, as I was creeping along a tightrope 50 feet in the air with only a harness and two tethers keeping me from certain death if I should I fall. That summer, I decided to work at a Young Life camp as a guide on their high ropes course and I had finally made it to my first day of training. Amazingly, it had never once crossed my mind until that very moment that working on a high ropes course could be problematic, considering that I had always had a deathly fear of heights growing up. As I stood there frozen, my mind was racing through every possible scenario: What if my tether snaps?  Will my harness really catch me if I slip? What if the wind blows really hard and the trees all fall and the whole thing comes crashing down? I’m telling you, I thought of it all and wanted nothing more than to get back down on the ground as quickly as possible. So, like a blur, I raced through the rest of the course, jumped down to the ground, and secretly considered running away from camp that night.

Surprisingly, I decided to stay and over the course of that month I witnessed myself grow increasingly comfortable with what was always my greatest fear. Heights no longer scared me like they used to. In fact, I actually LOVED being up in the trees. I loved the rush of adrenaline that I got every morning when I strapped into my harness and made my way through the course to the platform where I was stationed at for the day. I loved sharing stories with campers and witnessing hundreds of high-school kids overcome their own fears. Over time, I was just as comfortable treading on a wire 50 feet in the air as I was walking on the sidewalk. It was freeing and exciting to overcome a fear that had once ruled me. I felt like I could take on the world. By the end of the month, I left camp with a fresh perspective on fear and promised myself that from there on out, I was no longer going to allow it rule my life.

So much for that dream. The reality is that fear still had a hold on me after camp. I knew that most of my fears were irrational and stupid, yet they continued to linger like annoying pests. It felt that no matter what I did, they continued to plague me and rob my soul of joy. It hurts to admit, but I still live with many of the same fears that I had back then, and far too often I have dismissed them and resorted to the notion that they’re just parts of who I am. I’m slowly learning that’s a scary and dangerous way of thinking.

Earlier this year, the other Nashville Fellows and I journeyed to Rock Island, TN for our Vocations Retreat, a weekend designed to steer us closer towards our professional aspirations. Hearing nothing but positive reviews of the retreat from former Fellows who had previously gone through it, I entered into the trip with high hopes that I’d walk away with an abundance of clarity as to what the next step and overarching direction of my professional career would look like. “Do I need to stay in the digital media world?” I asked myself. “Should I pursue full-time ministry?” As much as I wanted clear answers to these questions, that eureka moment never came. Truthfully, I’m still as confused as ever as to what my future holds, and that scares me a lot.

Nonetheless, I left that weekend in Rock Island with something far greater than knowing if I should be a youth pastor or not. I left with a deeper understanding of how God made me, which is something I have often neglected to think about. For quite possibly the first time in my life, I took time to honestly consider things like my gifts and weaknesses, my passions and dreams, my motivations, and so many other parts of myself. Yet, while these were all awesome things to learn about, what impacted me the most was that I started to learn what scares me.

During the weekend, I had a one on one conversation over the phone with a man named Bruce, who was the director of the retreat. Together we unpacked and openly talked about many of my deepest fears. I learned that I’m terrified of commitment. I’m terrified of failure. I’m terrified of opening up the innermost parts of my heart to someone, only to be rejected. I learned that I’m scared of my emotions and often bury them so I don’t have to address or communicate them. Fears I didn’t even know I had boiled to the surface like a 7th grade science experiment. Everything was brought to the light, and yet amazingly, it didn’t hurt to see. In fact, it was healing, and I realized that it’s okay to let my fears be known. As Bruce and I said our goodbyes and hung up after talking on the phone for well over an hour, I laid back down on my bed feeling completely hysterical. I was half-laughing in baffling ecstasy as I knew that something special had just happened in my heart, yet was also half-grieving over the years and years I’d spent burying parts of myself in fear. I felt confused about what to make of this reaction, as such intense emotion does not come easily to me. Amongst so many unknowns, the only thing I was absolutely sure of was that the Holy Spirit had just touched me in a profound and personal way. In that moment I trusted and believed that Jesus saw me through all the muck. Ironically, in the very same hole that I had dug to hide the innermost parts of my heart in, He met me and reminded me that He was not ashamed of me or my fears. “Remember Robbie, He STILL died for you,” I thought, “knowing in advance that you’d be horrified of bananas and snakes and so many other things!” For the first time, I saw with clear eyes that my fears do not change a single thing about the way my heavenly Father loves me. He loves me unabashedly and with total abandon, and the best news is, He feels the exact same way about you. 

Now that I’m back in Nashville and have had some time to digest the retreat and my conversation with Bruce, I’ve noticed that the Holy Spirit has continued to push me towards courage in this new year. That’s why I’m calling my 2021, a year of fear. Whether it’s something as minute as writing this blog (there’s a reason I did a video last semester) or something much bigger, like opening up new parts of my heart, I sense that the Lord is challenging and empowering me to address the fears in my life. He’s slowly restoring the eyes that I had four years ago after my month at Young Life camp, allowing me to see that if my feet slip from the wire, I’m not going to fall. Now yes, I’m well aware that claiming faith over fear doesn’t mean that all my greatest terrors are going to magically disappear; that will take years and years of work. But you know what? Jesus loves me and I’m His boy. Even if I never overcome my fears, I’m going to be alright because I know that Jesus is crazy about me. And more than that, He’s already dealt with my fear by taking on the cross. There, He proved once and for all that fear does not have ultimacy and He invites us all to not only rest in this truth, but be empowered by it. Perfect love drives out fear. It’s true! I’ll be the first to tell you that running from fear is running in vain. Instead, I’m going to run towards perfect love, towards Christ, because I know that He’ll be waiting for me with open arms.