Comfort in Chaos
I had always been the type of person to seek comfort. It is what felt secure and controlled. A voice in my head always told me to avoid the unfamiliar and seek what I knew to be safe. I had always had Type A tendencies - I believed that there always had to be a plan for the foreseeable future. I thought that a life without change and a lot of curveballs was the definition of a “good life”. I believed that living comfortably, with lots of predictability and stability, would give me the mental means to see and experience the Lord more easily.
Before my time as a Fellow, I attended college at a school my parents attended, which was right next to the city I grew up in. Comfortable. I could still participate in the church I grew up attending. Comfortable. I always lived on campus with my closest friends or sorority sisters, spending most of my college career with those in my circle. Comfortable. I had every day planned down to the minute, with very little room for flexibility in my schedule. Comfortable. Gravitating toward order and comfort is not always the incorrect thing to do. However, seeking comfort in all situations is not always the most sustainable or practical desire, either.
One of the first books we read as Fellows was Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer - a book about how to thrive in community with others as a follower of Christ in light of the Gospel. In his book, Bonhoeffer conveys the importance of breaking down the walls of your ideal “dream reality” for the community in order for God’s genuine, divine reality for the community to come alive. If you are Type A like myself and are struggling to place your future and plans into the hands of the Father, you have to read this book! Bonhoeffer helped me shift my mindset in a direction that allowed the Lord to have more control over my life, even if it meant that I was being led to something uncomfortable and foreign. Bonhoeffer emphasized that “what may appear weak and trifling to us may be great and glorious to God, " which challenged me to loosen my grip on my own vision and take hold of the Lord’s glorious plan for my life. Every Monday, I am reminded of this truth as we open our class with an Every Moment Holy liturgy, asking the Lord to help us “cast (our) cares upon His strong shoulders, surrender our own agendas, and instead be led by the workings of His Spirit."
I could not be more grateful that this surrender took place before the Fellows' year began because this year has been full of the uncomfortable and the unexpected. Over the past six months, I have been stretched as I have never been stretched before and have been pushed out of my comfort zone from the start - Living with a family I did not know before my arrival to Nashville. Entering an unfamiliar church community, taking on a challenging role in a new work environment, constantly reading new books and articles to prepare for our class discussions, and doing all of this alongside 12 strangers while trying to find the time to plan a wedding and become familiar with the new city that I am calling home for nine months. The part of me that so strongly desired order six months ago would have been experiencing a very rude awakening had I still clung to the comfortability I so strongly longed for.
My life is now full of anything but comfort, and I am learning to love this kind of life more and more the longer I’m in Nashville. Being a Fellow has been anything but easy, yet it has been the most restorative season of my life. I have found that moments of discomfort have allowed me to more clearly see and appreciate the Lord’s hand in my life in a brand new way. The hard, challenging moments have drawn my eye to both moments of beauty and the evidence of the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness that I might have otherwise overlooked had I not gone through that brief moment of difficulty. I see the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness in a complex, hectic Wednesday at work that is followed by the joy and laughter of preschoolers at church that night. I see it when I go into class on Monday morning feeling tired from a busy weekend of conferences, realizing that nothing is more refreshing than learning, growing, and engaging in conversation with my Fellows class. I see it in my new appreciation for the rest that comes with crashing at DR and Maddie’s house, grabbing coffee with a friend, or going for a walk through the Belle Meade neighborhoods. I thank God that there can be such comfort in the uncomfortable and for showing His face to me in both chaos and order!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Paige Balla Class 11
Hometown: Pittsburgh, PA
Graduate of Grove City College
