Breaking Down and Building Up by Garner Nottingham

I want to start by affirming that my two and a half months as a Nashville Fellow has been an experience of tremendous growth. I have made amazing friends, better defined my own beliefs, and truly grown closer to God. However, to achieve these amazing things, I have had to overcome some challenges. I believe that by breaking down my confidence and pushing me out of my comfort zone, the Fellows program has given me the gift of having the opportunity to build it back on a stronger foundation. 

If there is a stereotype of a Fellow then I am probably not it. To start with I am a lifelong and committed Episcopalian who prefers memorized prayer, choral music with an organ, believes in apostolic succession, and half-jokingly thinks long sermons are an invitation to accidental heresy.  While our class is unusual in that we have four Episcopalians, if I mention this to any of the Fellows alumni and they ask if I think the services at St. George’s are “normal” to which I say yes, except for “The Table” which is the most contemporary Episcopalian service I have ever seen. Before Fellows I never knew anyone who had participated in, let alone led, Young Life, and had never heard of RUF. I recognize that these terms will have no meaning to my family who will eventually read this, but that should only serve to underscore how foreign they were to me. I had never intentionally listened to Contemporary Christian Music, and at our opening retreat had to look up lyrics to songs many of the other Fellows knew by heart. I had only vaguely heard of the enneagram from my Nashvillian Godmother and had no idea what my number was. Never in my life had I quoted St. Paul at someone, would never call my theology “reform”, and could not have told you the first thing about T.U.L.I.P. or the Westminster Catechism. In fact I’ve always felt a touch nervous around the term “Evangelical” because of both political and cultural connotations I don’t identify with, and that within the Episcopal church the “Evangelical” branch always appealed to me less than the “Anglo-Catholick” (yes the “k” is there on purpose check the 1662 Prayer Book). I do not get excited when someone mentions “Gordon-Conwell” or “Grove City”. I never use the term “worship-music” and would never say something is “on my heart”. Frankly, I had culture shock with just the Fellow’s community let alone with Nashville. 

 When I got on the bus to go on the opening retreat, I quickly realized I was out of my element and became determined to try my best to figure out my new environment. I did not know what people meant by camp, but eventually figured out that it was that thing in the last minute of Wild Wild Country. I’ll be honest I still cant tell you what RUF stands for but I know it’s a PCA campus ministry. PCA, another term I did not know about before applying to the Fellows, but to my credit figured it out before I got to Nashville. When the Enneagram came up I knew nothing about it so I woke up early before our first class to read a book on it and take an online test. I’ve learned new songs like “Jesus Paid It All”, “Real Thing” and “Way Maker”. I was immediately impressed with the other Fellows in their love of Christ, their impressive kindness, and their willingness to be vulnerable with each other. They gladly shared their knowledge and methods of worship with me, and to my surprise many of them have expressed interest in some of the weird stuff I’m into such as the Book of Common Prayer, liturgical prayer, the Common Lectionary, and Daily Office. This sort of curious Christian community is what I came to Fellows looking for, and I am so glad have found. 

While I was super excited about the amazing new community I was becoming a part of, I also experienced several bouts of theological insecurity. My entire life I have been one of the more conservative people in my environment both theologically and politically. While I do not believe in the practice of apologetics, I have grown confutable defending myself from the left. Now in Nashville, in the Fellows Program, and within the Episcopal Diocese of Tennessee, which has seemingly become a conservative refuge within a progressive denomination, I found myself representing both the progressive and in some ways orthodox cause in almost every discussion I found myself in. Often people would correct me by quoting scripture, or I would hear something in class from our readings that would unsettle me. I think because I respected the people who are my teachers and peers, and I never doubted their good intent, I found it hard to reconcile disagreeing with them. For the first time in my life engaging in religion was causing me anxiety. Coming into the Fellows Program I felt like I had aligned my secular and religious morality, and now it was coming into conflict. In the words of Psalm 31, I had always seen religion as my crag, stronghold, and tower of strength.  I was used to being the one leading the cause to root my beliefs in scripture, but I now found myself in an environment that I perceive as dangerously close to Bibliolatry. I never had to really understand the underlying differences between Evangelical and Mainline Protestantism before the Fellows program. Being part of the Fellows program has made me reaffirm my belief in the love of Christ and the grace of God that surpasses all understanding. Instead of just accepting the mystery of faith, I now am a fervent defender of it. While in the past I participated in the liturgical worship I had grown up in because it was familiar, I now have the language to express why I think it is good. There was a moment probably around early October where I was feeling a lot like the disciples who repeatedly seemed to do everything wrong despite good intentions. Seriously, large sections of the Gospels are dominated by Jesus publicly correcting one of his followers. I was wondering if this anxiety was just my cross to bear. I lost sight of the teaching of Jesus Christ: 28 “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30. NSRV).  I was contemplating compromising what I know to be right because other people had doctrinal certainty that I do not have. I had to reconnect my theological roots and reaffirm my belief that God is beyond human comprehension and therefore this doctrinal certainty stopped being a source of authority, and instead a cause for suspicion. This is all a long way of saying that I needed to relax and enjoy my relationship with God again and remember that if Christ is gentle and humble in heart then we are obligated to be the same.  It is by being pushed out of my comfort zone in ways I did not expect that I have grown closer to God.

Now there have been other challenges that I have had to face since I have arrived in Nashville. I came here without a job placement and it took six and a half weeks for me to get an offer, and then another two weeks to start because of an extended onboarding process. This time was incredibly frustrating as one by one each of my friends where starting exciting new careers as I watched from the sidelines wondering what was taking so long, and if there was something wrong with me. Then once I was finally able to start work, I felt like a fish out of water my first week in the healthcare industry where people used terms I had never heard of. Just as soon as I started to feel like I might know what was doing, I was exposed to COVID-19 and had to quarantine and work from home for 14 days. While being physically isolated has been challenging, despite initial concerns, it has made surprisingly little difference in my work experience. I am now completing tasks and feeling like I am contributing to my workplace and I am learning a lot every day. To be honest I felt like an imposter that first week, with most of my professional experience in Politics, a degree in Philosophy, Politics, and Economics, and the majority of my practical medical knowledge from TV. I was terrified I would never be useful and would be a burden. However, now I feel myself contributing every day and am even taking on a leadership role in a philographic project to provide PPE to the Special Olympics. With this newfound confidence I am hopeful for what the future brings. 

I am incredibly grateful for my Fellows experience so far. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone in so many ways and given me the opportunity to learn so much. The most rewarding part of Fellows has been getting to form an amazing community with my class, and this has been made possible by the fact that we are in community housing together. I occasionally joke that we are like the Christian Friends in Nashville, living together and spending lots of time together. While I certainly see value in host families, I think that there is more value in the bonds that we are forming by being together in community housing. I believe that these are relationships that we will continue to enjoy for the rest of our lives. 

Below is a Collect from the Book of Common Prayer for All Saints Day, which was the last service I celebrated in person at St. Georges and a favorite major feast. 

“O Almighty God, who hast knit together thine elect in one communion and fellowship in the mystical body of thy Son Christ our Lord: Grant us grace so to follow thy blessed saints in all virtuous and godly living, that we may come to those ineffable joys which thou hast prepared for those who unfeignedly love thee; through the same Jesus Christ our Lord, who with thee and the Holy Spirit liveth and reigneth, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.” (BCP, pg.194).