I Give it Up to You: by Clay Bowden
About a year ago, I was on my senior break, volunteering with my fellowship group from high school, when I found out I wouldn’t be returning to school to complete my final semester of college. I’ll be honest- at first I didn’t believe it and thought the quarantine would last two weeks and then within the next month I would be able to go back to Charlottesville. Entering into April, still attending classes on Zoom and eating dinner with my parents in my childhood home every night, I realized that I had completely misjudged Covid-19 and all that came with it. After this realization I threw myself a pretty large pity party. How could COVID have cheated me out of my last semester of college? How could God take this away from me?
Yet, during this time, I had less distractions. Instead of trying to soak up every moment of my senior year and be involved in any possible “senior event”, I had ample time to slow down and reflect, as well as talk to God and give things up to him. The pandemic was difficult for me as a planner. I had no way to control what was happening around me, and although it was jarring, it was an important development in my life and faith.
In the past, letting go was a huge impediment in my faith, but this past year encouraged me to give it all up to him. With time, my lack of control was liberating, and I was able to see my relationship with God in a new way. We can all agree this past year has been full of heartache, pain, injustices, stress, hopelessness, and worry. But with all of that, this year has been extremely humbling. My only option was to be present. In all the uncertainty and frustration, the only thing I could rely on and trust was God.
This past weekend, the Fellows took part in a silent retreat at St. Joseph’s Monastery in Whitesville, Kentucky. I was excited to intentionally slow down after a busy work week before the “final quarter” of my Fellows year. We spent each meal in the dining room listening to instrumental music looking outside at the windows or letting our eyes wander around the room. My eyes were continuously drawn to this wood sculpture of a small figure kneeling down and holding a small box at the feet of a larger figure holding a larger box over them. I couldn’t stop seeing myself giving up my failures, successes, worries, questions, and praise to God and him releasing an abundance of thanksgivings, joy, and peace over me. When we give it up to God he provides far more than we could ever imagine.
I spent the majority of the weekend thinking about this sculpture and how it has applied to my life. For my lenten practice this year, I am writing down at least three items of gratitude from the day. As we get further into lent, I’ve found it easier to reflect on five or more gifts throughout the day. It could be easier now with the daffodils starting to bloom, the birds singing louder and louder outside my office, or the warmth of the sun beaming on my face; or it could be intentionally singing His countless praises and paying attention to His Glory instead of the brokenness in the world. Paul Tripp, the author of New Morning Mercies, wrote, “When we begin to doubt God’s goodness, we quit going to him for help.” The crucial thing that has gotten me through this chaotic year is hope in God’s undeniable Goodness. Reminding myself every night of his goodness brings me closer to Him and deeper desires for his aid in my life.
The figure kneeling was another aspect of the sculpture that felt poignant. I’ll never forget the first service in the renovated nave at St. George’s this past November. It had been so long since I had knelt before the cross and I forgot how powerful that physical position was for me. I felt humility and immense gratitude as I confessed and lifted prayers up to God. In another devotional, The Mockingbird Devotional: Good News For Today and Every Day, Paul Walker reminds me of the beauty of kneeling when he writes, “Good news about our common bad news is that it blows out the knees of our self righteousness...when you are on your knees, it's hard to look down on anyone else...From the depth of woe there is only one place for everyone together to look- to Jesus Christ, who stands before God for our sake.” The humility in kneeling reminds me I cannot do life alone, no matter how much I want to remain in control. As we look up to Him, our “horizontal” life grows deeper as we let our guard down and love others the way He loves us, His beloved.
In the daily hustle and bustle, we are trying to find life horizontally. Our heads look down at the sidewalk and our phones, as we miss the greater experience of life. We have lost the important connection with each other this past year as people retreated and withdrew themselves more. We’re distracted from the Good that is happening around us. We look to ourselves and worldly things to bring a simple glimpse of joy, where we will only ever find life vertically.
As I kneel before his throne, I lift up my eyes to Him and give him everything because I cannot carry it alone. In return, he gives me empathy, peace, joy, and comfort. “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13-14) Yes, the last year has been challenging, but talking to God about it and drawing near to him, has made me realize how much my cup is overflowing. He has welcomed me into a new city I can now call home, He has given me eleven incredible human beings who show me more of Him, His Mercy, and His Righteousness each and every day, and He has provided liberating rest and hope in the future I have with Him in His Kingdom.
