The Freedom to Learn: by Olivia McKain
My time as a Nashville Fellow is almost over. As I thought about what I wanted to write for my final blog post, it was hard to think of what would do it justice. In my last two blog posts I shared with everyone the different things that I was learning throughout my year. I was learning to ask for help. I was learning to let my community be with me in the muck and messiness of life. As I reflect on the last 8 months, I realized you could sum up what I have learned in this sentence: I am learning to let myself learn.
I know that sounds convoluted, so bear with me. I’m an extremely self-critical person. I’m the first to point out my flaws and the last to acknowledge my gifts. This isn’t a new thing for me, but during my time in Fellows I saw a different way that my critical nature has crept into my life.
When I would find myself in a situation where I needed help but didn’t know how to ask, I was quick to say “I am so bad at asking for help”. Or when I was trying to be more vulnerable with my community and hit a wall, I would say “I am bad at letting people in”. At some point, I told myself that not knowing how to do something meant that I was failing at it. If I can’t do something, then obviously I am not good at it, and if I am not good at something, then obviously I am bad at it. At different times in my life, and by that I mean a few months ago, I would have told you that logic makes complete sense. For a long time I have held myself to an unreachable standard of perfection that never gave me the room to not know how to do something, which in turn robbed me of the freedom to learn.
In Matthew 18:3 Jesus says, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” When a child doesn’t know how to do something, my first thought isn’t that they are bad at it. We all look at children and see immense potential. They have so much to learn and it’s exciting to watch. But for some reason, when I don’t know how to do something it feels shameful. I’m realizing that having a childlike faith requires admitting that there is so much more to learn, and treating that as a gift rather than a failure. Having a childlike faith means realizing that the Lord is pleased with the ways I have shown up, even when it doesn’t meet the standard I have set in my head. Having a childlike faith means realizing that the standard in my head isn’t ultimate truth, and that the Lord wants much better for me than that. Having a childlike faith gives me not just the freedom to learn, but the freedom to be excited about it too.
And with that, I wanted to share a list of things I have learned this year:
I learned from John Allen what it looks like to be a humble leader. He has taught me how to love people enough to admit your mistakes and actively work to change
I learned that Bri's friend Sadie put a bath bomb in her dad’s hot tub and he was upset. I then learned from my dad that he would also be upset if I did that
I learned that Anna Brown loves to make soup, but I think more than that Anna loves to give people a place at the table. She is inviting and hospitable, and I learned from her that you can say I love you with a bowl of veggie soup
I learned that I like asparagus
I learned from Sydney what it looks like to be a living, breathing invitation to believe in better things. She is a fierce advocate and teaches me to advocate for myself
I learned from Garner that memorized prayer and liturgy are invitations to have a different type of intimacy with the Lord than I have experienced before
I learned that I will never be too old to make a megabed in the living room with my roommates
I learned from Phil how to quietly observe the best things about people AND to share those things with them. Phil has taught me how to look for the ways I see Christ in everyone
I learned that it is really hard for me to consistently communicate with people that I don’t see in my day to day life. I am still learning how to be better at it
I learned from Aidan that a simple illustration can communicate deep truths about the Lord (go back and look at his comic he made for a blog post in December!!)
I learned from Bri what it looks like to have a friendship rooted in honest confession, repentance, and grace. It has been a gift to say the least
I learned from another failed half marathon attempt that I am still not a long distance runner
I learned from Adrienne how to be a voice for everyone in the room, even when you don’t agree and even when it is really hard
I have learned from the people at Faith Family Medical Center what it looks like to never stop looking for opportunities to serve the people around you
I learned from Robbie how to consistently look for the ways the Lord is being faithful, especially when it is easier to be frustrated
I’ve learned from 8 months of driving in Nashville that some people really wake up everyday and think “I’m not going to use my turn signal once today” (at least I’m pretty sure they do)
I learned from DeLacy what it looks like to have a friend that follows through on what they say they will do
I learned from Clay and our Tuesday morning yoga that there is beauty in consistently showing up even when I don’t want to
I learned that the Lord can make a ragtag group of 11 people go from strangers to deep, spiritual friends in just a few months
I learned that I am different today than when I started this program
I learned that I will miss being a Nashville Fellow
