What I Love about The Fellows Program.
Fellows was the last thing I wanted to do outside of college. Quite literally, nothing about it appealed to me. I have always hated being categorized into a specific group. Being referred to as a “Fellow” can still catch me off guard. I had given everything I had to the church in college (including the summers). I was left burnt out and hurt. My views on God, the Bible, and humanity had significantly changed during my Senior year of college. I was enjoying the independence from having to listen to one specific viewpoint of one specific church from one specific denomination (of course, Nashville Fellows is an interdenominational program). I had grown a desire to move out of the South as I started to address more and more of its ugly history (especially in my home state of Alabama). Most of all, I was angry (and rightfully so) at the church for the constant neglect of mental health awareness as a result of spiritual bypassing, if not outright condemnation of the practice. This then led me down a path of questioning, causing me to feel on an island that was stuck somewhere between believing Jesus is as good as he says and that a person's felt needs have to be honored as much as their spiritual needs.
Because of my love for music and the fact that Nashville seemed to have spaces where someone could question their faith without losing it, I slowly started to see that this was somewhere I could see myself living. I got on a Zoom with John and Sally and knew something was right about it. The green flag I got during my interview was the compassion they had towards me. It was apparent to me that they may have wrestled with some of the same questions I had. But that wasn’t my main draw to them. It was more about the way I felt my questions were going to be handled. You are bound to disagree with someone or something in the Fellows program, but the goal and posture are not centered on having all the right answers. It’s much more about how to handle uncomfortably with kindness and curiosity, which was John and Sally’s posture towards me. Of course, the other green flag was that John’s wife is a therapist. On Mondays, Kendra works two jobs, The first being her day job. The second is answering all my questions about psychology and theology.
I wish so badly that I could say I have all the answers, but the big secret that no adult ever told me as a child is that no one does. We are all trying our best with what we have in front of us, and believing that about another affirms our inherent sacred nature. I’ve been more than welcomed in the Fellows class. Nobody looked at me weirdly when they realized being in a Christian organization would not keep me from cussing. They routinely offer to go with me to Broadway (I have absolutely no shame about loving Broadway. None.). I also have had my musical interests celebrated, despite the fact that my musical interests have more to do with sadness and loneliness than praise and worship. While I do not have all the answers, I have learned a lot about myself. I learned that I do love scripture, which is why I ask so many questions about it (especially when a specific view of scripture is hurting people). I do love Alabama and the South, which is why I get so angry when we overlook those we have harmed and overlooked for decades.
There are so many other things I have learned about myself that could only have come to be in an environment that welcomed ambiguity with gentleness. If I could describe my Fellows experience so far, it would be “a soft place to land”. This is not to say it isn’t hard and challenging. It is to say challenging environments are much easier when you feel loved.
I’ll end this blog with a poem by Langston Hughes, an American poet, social justice activist, and one of the earliest innovators of Jazz poetry. Below that, I’ll add a blessing from Kate Bowler, whom I believe is a living saint (not up for debate).
Tired
Langston Hughes
I am so tired of waiting,
Aren’t you,
For the world to become good
And beautiful and kind?
Let us take a knife
And cut the world in two—
And see what worms are eating
At the rind.
for when you’ve been hurt
Kate Bowler
God, you saw me walk away.
I had to.
For what was supposed to be a refuge,
a community of hope, purpose
mutual encouragement,
distorted all I understand you to be
Oh God, lead me to the heart of love,
so I might find the healing I need,
and protect the reverence I have for you.
For you do not consume, but rather feed.
You do not destroy, but build up.
You do not abandon your little ones,
but you insist that they belong in your arms.
Enfolded here, I see you now,
the God who love us to the end.
For though I walked away, you didn’t.
You found me. And will lead me.
Let’s now find the others.
Parker McRoy, Class 12
Hometown: Huntsville, Alabama
Troy University Graduate
